Image: This newspaper has no idea which one of the people in this photograph is someone named Andrew Yang. We don’t really care. He’s going to give us free money. That’s all that counts.
Eric Yollick, The Golden Hammer
It’s with the most avaricious pleasure that The Golden Hammer endorses Andrew Yang for President of the United States …………………. err………………. well…………….. unless someone outbids him. This newspaper doesn’t know much about Yang except that he was one of those people whom B. Hussein Obama named a “Champion of Change.” Who cares?
Let’s get down to the critical point.
Yang is promising to give me MONEY!!!!!!! That’s right, my President Yang has made his core platform plank that he wants to give every man and woman (oh, I guess people who think they’re something else too) over the age of 18 $1,000 per month for the rest of our lives. I’m not sure that they want us to disclose this fact, but President Yang even has a degree in economics from Brown University, so he must know about what he’s talking.
Yang calls it “The Freedom Dividend.” Yang explains why he wants to give ME free money: “Technology is quickly displacing a large number of workers, and the pace will only increase as automation and other forms of artificial intelligence become more advanced. ⅓ of American workers will lose their jobs to automation by 2030 according to McKinsey. This has the potential to destabilize our economy and society if unaddressed.”
Therefore, my President “would implement a Universal Basic Income, ‘the Freedom Dividend,’ of $1,000/month, $12,000 a year for every American adult over the age of 18. This is independent of one’s work status or any other factor. This would enable all Americans to pay their bills, educate themselves, start businesses, be more creative, stay healthy, relocate for work, spend time with their children, take care of loved ones, and have a real stake in the future. Any change to the Freedom Dividend would require a constitutional amendment.” (Emphasis added. Please note that the use of a pronominal adjective without an antecedent is unavoidable to maintain the integrity of the direct quote from the Brown University graduate.)
I can’t wait to start getting my $1,000 per month checks so that I can pay all my bills, educate myself, start my businesses, be more creative, stay healthy, relocate so I can find a better place to receive my $1,000 per month checks, spend time with all the extra children I plan to have, and take care of loved ones.
Yang is a great man. I really want that money badly. I want it as fast as possible. Could we please move the election to an earlier date?
There’s only one thing that could happen that would cause me to withdraw my endorsement of President Yang: if someone outbids him. For example, if Eric Swalwell ups Yang’s bid and promises me $1,500 per month for the rest of my life, then I’m moving my endorsement to President Swalwell. Or what about Marianne Williamson, who is a “self-help author.” Clearly, there’s no better way to help myself than vote for Marianne Williamson, if she raises the bid to guarantee me $2,000 per month for the rest of my life.
Yang makes a good point. Because of technology, my value to society is minimal. As automation and artificial intelligence easily exceed my value and my intelligence, I’m pretty worthless to society.
I can’t work. I don’t want to work. I don’t plan to work. But I need to pay my bills, educate myself, start businesses, be more creative, stay healthy, relocate to receive my checks from the government more easily, spend time with my new children, and take care of loved ones.
What a great stake in the future I shall have with President Yang or President Swalwell or President Williamson!