WHY I SHOULD BE YOUR MONTGOMERY COUNTY ELECTED OFFICIAL

You should elect me as your Montgomery County elected official. I’m a big believer in the sacrifice of public service. One of the primary platform planks of my campaign is “I want to win.” I’m conservative. I’m pro-business. I’m a huge supporter of family values. Please vote for my platform and for me.

I attend the Commissioners Court (CC) meetings every two weeks. My favorite part of each meeting is the Pledge of Allegiance. Clearly, I’m a patriot. When I’m elected, the Pledge of Allegiance part of CC meetings will be a lot better.

When I’m elected, I will fulfill my legal duty and accept the salary in full. The salaries and benefits of county elected officials are really high, so I’m very excited about serving and fulfilling my duties.

The elected official campaigns.

When I’m elected, we’ll be able to grow the government faster than ever, because I have a lot of friends who will join me in the “sacrifice” of public service. Two buddies of mine whom I want to bring into the county government – formally – are my pals Andy and Catherine. Andy will be my chief of staff, because I need a public relations guy to make me look good. Catherine ran the $300,000 per year public relations department for the Montgomery County Hospital District where she did a great job promoting indictments, lawsuits, million-dollar consultants, “buy high, sell low” real estate transactions, the multimillion dollar oncologists, Nicol Huff, and largely-unused mobile medical clinics. We’ll form a Public Relations Department for the county government with a nice multimillion per year budget, so Catherine can run it.

There’s some really great benefits that I can provide to Montgomery County when you elect me. My wife, just by an amazing coincidence, is the single most qualified person on Earth to work as an administrative assistant in just about any county office. She will make the sacrifice of government service, but, of course, due to her outstanding qualifications, we’ll want to pay her a fair market rate of $55 per hour, plus at least 5 hours per week at time-and-a-half overtime. Gosh, we surely don’t want to lose her to the nasty private sector.

But there’s more that I can offer.

I have a son too. He has college and graduate degrees. Therefore, when we place him in the county government’s custodial department, he will be eminently qualified and well worth the $180,000 per year salary that he should receive as a custodial supervisor. My son, also by amazing coincidence, is the single most qualified person to work in that job as well. It’s truly amazing that lightning has struck my family so favorably.

I’ve got an aunt, her husband, and their four sons, all of whom are currently seeking employment and all of whom are the most qualified people anywhere to act as a demolition crew and the administrative assistant supporting that crew’s work. We can hire all of them, make my aunt the supervisor, and keep employee morale high by letting the six of them work closely together.

I have a business partner. He and I have contracts for our company but we have a bit of a shortage of working capital for our business. Therefore, it will be a “win-win” if I vote to make sure that my business partner gets a lot of county contracts. Of course, he’s the best at what he does. That will give us a lot of funds available for our business. Everyone will benefit, especially the taxpayers!

I want to work closely with County Attorney JD Lambright, the highest single paid elected official in all of Texas, local, state, or federal, at more than $196,000, plus benefits, per year. He’s known for his persistence, as it took him four tries and two-and-a-half years to pass the Texas Bar Examination. I see JD at a lot of social events, almost every single night. I sense a great intellect behind his smile, and I can tell good people when I see them. I’ve always wanted JD to be my lawyer and as the County Attorney, he thinks he’ll represent me, instead of the citizens of Montgomery County who elected him.

I want to grow the county “enterprise” fund. I want the county to start running businesses at a profit so that we’ll be able to spend more. We can use tax dollars for these private “enterprises” and we’ll compete so effectively that we can compete with private companies to put them out of business. I’m not just talking about toll roads, although they’re super. I want the county to build shopping malls, run clothing stores, open its own law firm to serve the public (oops, guess what…it already does), produce movies (my wife’s always wanted to meet George Clooney) and maybe even open some restaurants.

I’ve heard from so many elected officials, such as Commissioner Jim Clark, that there are a lot of things I don’t understand, and if only I knew everything he knows, I’d appreciate what a great job he’s done. Since I’ve endured 55 years being ignorant, I’m thrilled about getting educated the instant I take the oath of office and become a member of the “political class.” (Isn’t that what a “dictatorship of the proletariat” is all about or is that a different country?)

I want to sacrifice just like that too. Please elect me, so I may begin the sacrificing.

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