Conroe, April 1 – The Publisher of The Golden Hammer, Montgomery County’s leading daily newspaper, died early this morning after a car, which corrupt local political boss Marc Davenport drove, ran him over in the parking lot of a grocery store in Conroe. Precinct 1 Justice of the Peace Wayne Mack, who was a passenger in the vehicle during the accident, was able to declare the death “a freak accident” immediately on the scene.
“He was so wide that I didn’t notice him in my rearview mirror as I backed out of a parking space at the speed of 53 miles per hour,” Davenport explained. “He filled the entire rearview mirror, so I just thought he was the background.”
Precinct 4 Constable Kenneth “Rowdy” Hayden also, by coincidence, was a passenger in the vehicle at the time of the accident. Hayden immediately opened an investigation into the death and was able to conclude the investigation and clear Davenport of all wrongdoing within 4 minutes of the occurrence.
Soon after the Publisher’s death announcement went over the Police Radio, there was a rush of revelers, including a quorum of the current Montgomery County Commissioners Court, who arrived at the parking lot to celebrate the death. “Since there is no longer a Texas Open Meetings Act prohibition on two of us conducting county business even if we’re intending to gather the votes for a majority, we were careful to stand in pairs as opposed to threesomes during the celebration,” Precinct 2 County Commissioner Charlie Riley said.
The Precinct 2 Commissioners road crew placed the body in a piano case and delivered it to the Montgomery County Animal Shelter, known for its expertise in incineration work, where the body and piano case were “disposed.”
“It’s time for newspapers to begin to report the REAL news again,” Precinct 4 Montgomery County Commissioner James Metts remarked. “People need to hear that everything government does is good for them. There’s no place in our community for anyone who questions how good what government does is, because government is the people and we’re all good for ourselves, aren’t we?”
The County government has delivered the ashes to former Montgomery County Animal Shelter Director Todd “Boss” Hayden for final disposition.