Super Bowl Week: Transcript of the Greatest Press Conference in the Entire History of the United States!

The great Marshawn Lynch, former running back for the Seattle Seahawks.

The following is a full transcript of the remarks of Marshawn Lynch, former star running back, Seattle Seahawks, when he gave the most brilliant press conference in American history in just five minutes (precisely) on January 27, 2015. The questions don’t really matter and are boring anyway, especially in comparison to Lynch’s brilliant prose.

Lynch: I’m just here so I won’t get fined.

Lynch: I’m just here so I won’t get fined.

Lynch: I’m just here so I won’t get fined.

Lynch: I’m just here so I won’t get fined.

Lynch: I’m just here so I won’t get fined.

Lynch: I’m just here so I won’t get fined.

Lynch: I’m just here so I won’t get fined.

Lynch: I’m just here so I won’t get fined.

Lynch: I’m just here so I won’t get fined.

Lynch: I’m just here so I won’t get fined.

Lynch: I’m just here so I won’t get fined.

Lynch: I’m just here so I won’t get fined.

Lynch: I’m just here so I won’t get fined.

Lynch: I’m just here so I won’t get fined.

Lynch: I’m just here so I won’t get fined.

Lynch: I’m just here so I won’t get fined.

Lynch: I’m just here so I won’t get fined.

Lynch: I’m just here so I won’t get fined.

Lynch: I’m just here so I won’t get fined.

Lynch: I’m just here so I won’t get fined.

Lynch: I’m just here so I won’t get fined.

Lynch: I’m just here so I won’t get fined.

Lynch: I’m just here so I won’t get fined.

Lynch: I’m just here so I won’t get fined.

Lynch: I’m just here so I won’t get fined.

Lynch: I’m just here so I won’t get fined.

Lynch: I’m just here so I won’t get fined.

Lynch: I’m just here so I won’t get fined.

Lynch: I’m just here so I won’t get fined.

Lynch: Time! (Exits.)

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