Golden Hammer Editorial Board suspends Publisher for pi hours after unappreciated Courtroom humor

Golden Hammer Editorial Board suspends Publisher for pi hours after unappreciated Courtroom humor

BROKEN NEWS!

Conroe, June 26 – The Editorial Board of The Golden Hammer, Montgomery County’s leading daily newspaper, suspended Publisher Eric Yollick for 3.14159273 hours (an approximation of the irrational number pi), after Yollick, while waiting for the Montgomery County Commissioners Court session to begin on June 26, 2018, conducted a Google search on the public terminal for “Fester Bester Tester” and left an image of Mr. Bester Tester on the screen as well as on all of the big screens in the Commissioners Courtroom.

Since Montgomery County Judge Craig Doyal’s large and fragile ego would allow for nothing less, the Courtroom screens are connected to his office screens as well which are adjacent to the Courtroom. In her shock, chagrin, and dismay over Yollick’s inexcusable conduct, conservative Republican Precinct Chair and activist Ginger Russell felt forced to witness the entire untoward event, which she described as follows:

“Attorney Eric Yollick makes waking up early and going to Montgomery County Commissioners Court so worth it and fun. We arrived just before 9 am and Eric placed Fester Bester Tester on the Court’s computer system. Judge Doyal and Commissioner Riley entered the court room from their chambers (no one was in the court room at this time…too early). Doyal and Riley were not amused with the photo and called the Sheriffs Dept. LOL.  Within a short time 4 Montgomery County Sheriffs arrived, but Eric had changed the photo to one of Jesus. The Sheriffs had to control their laughter. I am still cracking up.”

Neither Doyal nor Riley found the incident in the least bit funny. They felt utter shock and tumultuous indignation over the characterization of Mr. Bester Tester that appeared on all of the large computer screens as well as their own private terminals in Doyal’s palatial office.

“The Golden Hammer Award” went to Doyal and Precinct 1 County Commissioner Mike Meador, which this newspaper will report in an upcoming story. Nevertheless, in his pure anger and desire for retribution for the terrible attack on the County’s computers, Precinct 2 County Commissioner Charlie Riley carried the “Golden Hammer” out with him as he left the meeting and announced, “You don’t know the half of it what’s coming from what I do with this hammer.”

The Editorial Board held an emergency meeting at 12 noon and suspended Yollick for his childish behavior until approximately 3:15 p.m. today.

Yollick defiantly responded, “They started it! They’re wasting hundreds of millions of tax dollars!”

The Board responded, “Eric, you go to your office and don’t come out until just short of 3:15. You know that when you goad emotional children that they’ll respond in an even more childish manner than your goading.”

An anonymous spokesman for this newspaper who spoke to The Golden Hammer on condition of anonymity confirmed that Yollick has had other similar run-ins with law enforcement authorities, one of the most notable occurring in St. Petersburg, Russia, in July, 2014. Russian military authorities intervened at the Government Airport when Yollick dropped several large Russian bills on the luggage conveyer belt at the airport in order to observe the reaction of people to large amounts of money  traveling past them. Casey Grom, a mountain guide and one of the leading mountain climbers in the world, instructed Yollick to go outside the airport exit for some “quiet time” with the possible hope that the Russian Federation authorities might choose not to level machine-gun fire at Yollick prior to his leaving the airport.

 

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