Editorial: Mr. Colbert, “Mueller Claus” came to town and left you charcoal…with a special musical tribute to your failure to be funny

Stephen Colbert (right), shown with New Zealand Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern (left) on September 26, 2018, isn’t funny any longer. 

Eric Yollick, The Golden Hammer

Excuse me, Mr. Stephen Colbert, but you’re not funny. “Mueller Claus” came to town and left you charcoal.

You actually used to be funny when you told jokes, which ended about 2 years ago. Instead, during the past years in desperation to boost your ratings which were at the bottom of the stocking, your show has become nothing but your obsessive hatred of President Donald Trump. Your show is 56 minutes of live – “on tape” – rants about how much you hate the President and how much you want your guests to recite their hatred of him as well, with four minutes at the end of the wonderful musical guests you still attract. I’ve figured that out. I turn your show on four minutes before the end and just watch the music.

Last week you told us, “it’s like we’re three-quarters of the way through a Scooby-Doo episode.” You droned, “Just pull the mask off the monster, okay? We know it’s Old Man Trump! ‘I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if I wasn’t totally guilty.'”

In late November, you sang a political carol, “Mueller Claus is Comin’ to Town” with some of the words as follows, “He sees you when you’re tweeting, he knows your hair is fake,” Colbert sang. “He knows when you’ve been bad or bad because you’re bad for goodness sake. You’re bad!”

Sorry, Mr. Colbert, but your show has lost its humor. It’s time for you to follow Les Moonves out CBS’s door. David Letterman, at the end of his career, was funnier than you are now.

In honor of the end of anything funny on your show, I’ve written lyrics to a song to the tune of “Charlie on the MTA.”

Well, let me tell you of the story of a man named Stephen
On a tragic and fateful day
He put his humor in his pocket, attacked the POTUS and the nation,
Went to ride on the ratings train all day
Well, did he ever return?
No he never returned and his fate is still unlearned
He may ride forever ‘neath the floor of humor
He’s the man who never returned (to being funny)
Stephen handed in his comedy career at the TV station
And he changed for Desperation Ratings
When he got there the audience told him, “you’re not funny”
Stephen couldn’t stop being a pain!
Well, did he ever return?
No he never returned and his fate is still unlearned
He may ride forever ‘neath the floor of humor
He’s the man who never returned (to being funny)
Now, every late night long Stephen watches the TV station
Crying, “what will become of me?
He chants and dreams “How can I get my career back?”
Should I become a Republican?
Well, did he ever return?
No he never returned and his fate is still unlearned
He may ride forever ‘neath the floor of humor
He’s the man who never returned (to being funny)
Instead of watching Stephen, the crowd now watches NCAA B-ball
And an NFL weeknight game or two
The former comedian moans, “What did you do to me, Mueller?”
And the late night audience swoons
Well, did he ever return?
No he never returned and his fate is still unlearned
He may ride forever ‘neath the floor of humor
He’s the man who never returned (to being funny)

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