An exclusive interview with Santa Claus

An exclusive interview with Santa Claus

Image: Santa Claus showed up at the Christmas Party of the Freedom and Liberty Conservatives PAC on Thursday, December 20, 2018. Here, he’s shown with renowned conservative activist Rachael Manganiello Jones.

Conroe, December 24 – Santa Claus showed up at the Christmas Party of the Freedom and Liberty Conservatives PAC on Thursday, December 20, 2018, in order to get a brief rest before he continued his duties in preparation of Christmas Eve. As Claus left the event, The Golden Hammer‘s editorial staff caught up with him and conducted this brief interview.

The Golden Hammer (GH): Santa Claus, welcome to Montgomery County! Are you ready for Christmas this year?

Santa Claus: Ho-ho-ho. Not quite yet. It’s been a turbulent year, so Mrs. Claus, the Elves, and I have had some challenges preparing for the sleigh ride on December 24.

GH: Are you for real?

Santa: Of course.

GH: How old are you?

Santa: I’m 1748 years old. I was born on the Ides of March, 270.

GH: How did you begin the tradition of delivering gifts to children on Christmas Eve?

Santa: I lived and grew up in the Greek city of Myra. I became a Christian Bishop. I began to see that I gained a lot more happiness and satisfaction with my life when I helped others. Therefore, I began to provide gifts to the children around Christmas.

GH: Did people in Myra respond well?

Santa: Actually, no. The idea of someone spending so much time giving out gifts to people seemed a little unusual. The Roman authorities thought that I was up to no good, so they actually put me in prison for a brief period after my second year of gift giving in 323. The Emperor Constantine heard about my good works, so he ordered my release and invited me to attend the Christian Council of Nicaea in 325. I attended the Nicene Council and became so inspired with the passion of others for Christianity that I decided to devote the rest of my life to giving.

GH: What did you do next?

Santa: I wanted to make sure that I didn’t run afoul of any civilian authorities, so Mrs. Claus and I decided to move northward out of the way of any governments. We ended up going all the way to the North Pole.

GH: How did you get the name “Santa Claus”?

Santa: For a long time, people called me Saint Nicholas. In the Low Countries, they called me Sinterklaas, which means the same thing and came to be known as “The Good Saint.” Santa Claus is a westernization of my Dutch name.

GH: Are there really elves?

Santa: You bet there are! That happened after the recommendation of my Foreman, Pete. Pete was getting a bit old and was having some problems running our toy manufacturing facility at the North Pole. He also found our use of microprocessors inside many of the toys very challenging, because Pete had the big hands of a hard worker. Therefore, Pete recommended that we bring in the Elves with smaller hands who could easily work with small parts in the manufacturing process.

GH: From where are the Elves?

Santa: All of them come from the area around Eisleben in Saxony-Anhalt, Germany. Martin Luther sought to recruit them away from an evil witch at the time. He recommended that they come to work for me. I interviewed a group of the Elves and immediately came to appreciate their intellect and their dexterity.

GH: Do you actually manufacture all toys?

Santa: Yes, but we allow toy companies to distribute most of our products.

GH: Do you really determine who has been naughty or nice?

Santa: Definitely. Nevertheless, I bring toys to anyone under the age of 21 whether they’ve been naughty or nice. It’s just adults where I might bring them a lump of coal instead of a toy.

GH: Why were you at the Christmas Party of the Freedom and Liberty Conservatives PAC?

Santa: I’ve been a friend of Jon Bouche, the Chairman of that organization, for many years. I love his music and often listen to Jon’s recordings on the sleigh’s stereo system. Jon had sent an invitation to me through Mrs. Claus. I consider myself a Christian capitalist.

GH: Huh? What are you talking about? What’s a “Christian capitalist”?

Santa: You should read The Protestant Ethic and the Spirit of Capitalism, which Max Weber wrote in 1905. I actually had a lunch conversation with him before he began to write that book. Ever since the Protestant Reformation, and ever since I read the wonderful writings of Max Weber on the subject, I’ve considered myself a Christian capitalist. Quite frankly, Weber’s philosophical approach merges Christian theology with the philosophy of objectivist epistemology, even though objectivism didn’t arise until after the Holocaust.

GH: Have you ever spoken with Montgomery County Sheriff Rand Henderson?

Santa: Well, of course, I have! He’s a wonderful student of Max Weber.

GH: Is there anything else you’d like to add?

Santa: Merry Christmas to all!

 

 

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